Sounds like an uplifting topic, right? I don’t feel very uplifting in the current moment if I’m being completely honest – but I’m going to process my feelings and turn it around.

Yesterday was July 4. We’ve never been big July 4 party people or anything and didn’t have a big group of friends we always hung out with – but we were always together as a family. It’s all these seemingly little things like a holiday that punches you in the gut sometimes and reminds you “your family is broken, and this is hard and it’s ok to be sad”.

Last 4th of July, I wasn’t with the girls. I had a really fun day with one of my high school best friends – but ended the night having had way too many drinks and feeling awful. That was the last time I’ve been drunk. It was a true low point for me. I was struggling with so much at the time and trying to figure out how to process all the loss that had happened over the last two years at that point. I cried so much the next day. Alcohol gave me SO much anxiety the next day – like debilitating. Throw in my over-active brain going over every conversation I had and feeling so much embarrassment for saying anything dumb. My friend tried to convince me that I was completely fine – but I certainly didn’t feel like it.

Then after my birthday on Aug 16, I gave up alcohol for a couple months. After that, I drank a few times before deciding that 2024 would be an alcohol free year. I was definitely sober curious and read tons of books about it and knew it was time to take a really long break. So I just hit the 6 month mark and I’ve posted quite a bit of my journey so far on social media. Like I’ve said in my posts – it’s not fun being vulnerable about it all – but I truly do know that it can help someone else in the process. Naturally there have been SO many benefits from cutting it out completely. But it has been pretty lonely. You don’t realize how much everyone’s social lives, mine included, revolve around drinking until you don’t partake.

Last night my younger daughter got to go to a fun fireworks party at her neighbor friend’s house. I took my older daughter and her friend to Grand Haven. But they are 13 and the last thing they want is their Mom walking with them. I remember what it was like to be 13 and wanting to be with your friends. So I try to honor that and not hover. So I sat alone for 4 hours in Grand Haven, checking in on them probably too often 🙂 It was CRAZY busy with people. I knew it would be crowded, but wow.

And in all honesty, it was hard for me. Not just to be alone, because I’m pretty good at being alone and probably could win some sort of award for “best isolator”. But seeing all the families and the couples holding hands and watching the fireworks together as I sat there by myself – it hurt my heart and I felt really alone. I would have loved to walk over to the outdoor bar to grab a drink. That would at least slow my brain down and throw in some quick dopamine. But I didn’t. So I just sat there and felt all the uncomfortable feelings that were coming up.

Because as humans, there are going to be times when we have uncomfortable feelings. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with us. It doesn’t mean that any progress we have made in our mental health journey is null and void. We are meant to have feelings. They are clues that we need to work through something still. By sitting with the emotions and working through them, they are less likely to stay stuck inside our bodies creating mayhem and disease.

Last night, I had to just embrace the loneliness and work through the feelings of grief about what has been lost. It’s ok to be sad. It also doesn’t mean that I want to meet someone or date. Honestly, that’s the absolute last thing I want. All I want right now is to focus on being the best Mom I can be – and keep working on healing some very broken pieces of my heart. And to do those things, I’m going to have to embrace the loneliness when it comes up.

If you’re feeling anything similar – my heart goes out to you and I’m giving you a virtual hug. Feel the feelings – try not to feel shame about them – and remember you got this. So do I.

So much love,
Krysta