August is my birthday month. I turn 42 this year. First off – how am I this old when I still feel like I’m 20? Age is a funny thing in this life. It never makes sense. One day you’re a kid. Then you’re graduating high school and moving away. Then you’re starting your career. Then marriage. Then all the sudden you’re an actual Mother of human children. Then you blink and those children are already pre-teens and teens. It’s a wild ride.

I’ve never been a big birthday celebrator but it’s still nice to hear all the wonderful “happy birthday” wishes on that day and being treated special by your family. My favorite is always the hand-written notes from my daughters.

But August is kind of tough for me now. Today being the first day of August just triggered so many emotions. 3 years ago, my best friend Sara was fighting stage 4 colon cancer. She had been fighting like hell for two years at this point. Chemo and surgeries and hospital stays – oh and doing all of that throughout a pandemic. She was a true warrior. Then in August 2021 she got really sick and ended up in the hospital. When she finally was able to come home, it was on hospice.

Then on August 13, she left her body here and her suffering was done. That last week was heartbreaking saying goodbye and I don’t think I’ll ever get those days out of my brain. But as hard as it was, I wouldn’t trade being able to spend that time sitting with her and holding her hand for anything.

In some ways it feels like it all just happened. But then it also feels like I haven’t seen her face or heard her voice in 10 years.

Grief is tricky. It sneaks up on you a lot. I try to remind myself it means there was significant love and that’s why it hurts so bad. But it still hurts.

Then a year after she passed- in August, my husband and I decided to end our marriage.

So yeah, it’s my birthday month but it feels anything but celebratory. It just feels heavy and lonely.

And that’s ok. It can’t be “fixed”. The emptiness from those giant losses can’t be filled with any sort of distractions – not in a healthy way. I can be sad and just feel it and be ok with that. Crying helps. So does moving my body and hugs from my daughters. I’m also really thankful for my bond with Sara’s sisters.

We all have parts of our story that leave a hole deep inside. If you’re feeling it too – please know you’re not alone. Nobody else’s grief or sadness is easier or harder than yours. Yours is unique to you and you are allowed to feel whatever you feel about it without feeling the need to compare.

I’m not always great about talking about things with people. I usually am the listener. When it comes to my story and my stuff – I am better at writing about it. So I do and it’s a helpful way for me to process things.

Give it a whirl if you struggle talking about your story. Write it out, share it or don’t share it – just don’t keep it all trapped inside forever.

So much love,
Krysta